How Am I to be Shaped?

The personal rules I've made for selecting blog topics help define my scope of content, namely, topics and ideas that I should exclude from writing about. For example, one of the rules I've created is "no asserting strong political opinions." I generally prefer to let philosophy doing the talking when it comes to politics, and I don't think it overall helps much; however, I will note I'm not against discussing things politicians say or political ideas. But that's for another time.

The one rule I haven't made (yet), is about religion. Religion is a very touchy subject because for some religion speaks to a Truth, whereas for others it does not.

I have spent the last week deliberating if I should approach the topic at all, and judging by the fact I'm typing these words, it seems that I've settled on talking at least somewhat about it. Or at least some of my experience with it.

The truth is my existentialist leanings come from what I consider to be a very extreme religious upbringing. I was raised to believe in a form of dogma, and to do so with fervor. It defined every aspect of my life, from how I dressed, to how I spoke, the people I associated with, the schools I could attend, the books and media I'd consume, and so much more. My religion was my purpose and my identity to the very core of my being. Eventually, there came a day where I could no longer believe, which was one of the most painful and difficult things I ever endured. For the first time in my life, I felt very alone and very lost.

This set the stage for the journey of becoming. I no longer had a given purpose- I had no purpose. My world immediately turned into a haze and fog that lasted months. I struggled internally at this overwhelming confrontation of the apparent meaninglessness of life. Suddenly, everything felt like it was for nothing.

It was as if my life had transitioned from being an actor on an elaborate stage, where my role, identity, and existence were assigned to me and I was doing what I was designed to do. Then suddenly, a trap door gave way and I fell through the floor, floating in a pitch black pool of water by myself. Just the emptiness of existence, as it were.

With that context set, it's hard for me not to talk about my religious life when discussing making meaning out of life. For most of my life, my religion gave me that and explained everything I could ask for, to an extent.

Even so, my hesitation may be unwarranted- I'm really not writing for people who are comfortable in their religion and world. I'm writing for those who, like me, may find themselves wading in that pitch black pool, trying to make sense of where they are, what they're doing, or where they're going.

I open up with this, first, to simply address it. It's important and helpful to get the ball rolling on this topic sooner than later. This subject feels, in many ways, inevitable. Second, I address it because it relates to thoughts that have been top of mind for me the last few weeks.

Jean-Paul Sartre famously said l'existence précède l'essence, or, existence precedes essence. In other words, Sartre says that you are first and foremost a human being, and your purpose/value/identity is not something given to you before birth. Instead, you are a blank canvas and you make your own purpose. Who you are, according to Sartre, is not predetermined at or before birth, but is a journey of becoming.

In general, I agree with this, but if I am honest, there is a feeling or yearning for more than just this. If who I am, existentially, is shapeable, that's important. This take us to the question, "How am I to be shaped?"

There is me, the Jakob that types to you. I understand myself reasonably well, I have a good dose of self-reflection and self-awareness, and I'm generally comfortable with my being. But there's also the question of, "Who is the Jakob I am to become? Is there an ideal me?"

I recognize there are parts of me that I don't like. There are things about me I wish I could change. I wish I was not as angry about some things. I wish I wasn't so awkward. I wish I had better social skills. There are many things I could say here, but I think you get the point.

These things I mention can be thought of as superficial by some, but I think there's a bigger picture than that. In the grand scheme of life, we make meaning from our experiences and our associations with them. For example, I have been to an okay number of party bars/night clubs, maybe around 10 total in my life (party bar basically means loud music and dancing in my mind). I have never felt comfortable at one though, and it's why I don't go anymore. I am only quiet, awkward, uncomfortable, and endlessly looking for a closet to hide in when I'm in these establishments. I know, with certainty, I am awkward at these places- I am simply a bad time. I don't have the charisma, dance moves, energy, or the personality to be a socialite. I am boring, annoyed by the music and crowd, and I know it.

But what if I don't like being boring? What if I wish I was someone that thrived in that environment? Even more, what place does meaning making or identity have in this situation?

One could believe that there is a greater vision of themselves, a self that takes classes, reads books, and practices their ass off until they have actualized their charismatic self. They make meaning and define their essence by becoming something they previously were not.

Conversely, one could also believe that there is a self that acknowledges and accepts this limitation. Changing one's self to become this "different person" may involve a betrayal to one's self, becoming someone they do not desire to be. The freedom for this individual is the acceptance of "boringness," knowing it to be a piece of what makes them who they are.

This drives to the heart of my question today, "How am I to be shaped?".

Kierkegaard in one place says, “The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” What this means to Kierkegaard in its total context is more than I care to elaborate here, but I think it's worthy food for thought.

If we think of the above example, what does it mean to be who you are? Is it the individual that takes the steps to improve themselves, or the individual that accepts their present nature that is living as who they are? The former is involved in an active process of becoming, the latter is involved in a passive process of becoming. Both individuals are becoming something greater: one is through change and the other through acceptance, but both are a self-determined essence.

If despair actually is a consequence of not being who you are, what is the meaning of my despair when I see it face-to-face? Is it the yearning of a self I am yet to become? Is it the yearning of a "true" more-actualized version of myself? Is it a subconscious expression of the desire to change? Am I living in disagreement with myself? What is the significance of a yearning to a more authentic self, when your self is only as real as you've made it?

To some, the answer might be clear, but for others, it is not.

I want to be better than how I presently am, but that is a process that takes time. I know the person I wish to be inasmuch as I know can know myself at this moment in life. There is a better version of me to become, but it will take time and understanding to get there.

Truly, the meaning of this process is what I make of it.