The Greatest Weight

Top of mind, I apologize for the long delay in blog posts. I had some extenuating circumstances that did not provide me the liberty I would have liked for writing more. I intend on returning to schedule going forward.

________

There are some things in life you will never forget. These types of experiences come in various forms and contexts, like maybe the first time you heard your favorite band or one of your favorite songs, or the first time you did something particularly exciting and notable.

For some memories, the details are clear as can be. You can remember where you were sitting in a room, what you were wearing, what others were wearing, or maybe the music that was playing- I'm sure you get what I mean.

One memory I will never forget was the day I was introduced to Nietzsche's writing on The Greatest Weight.

I was a college student studying philosophy, doing homework at a local coffee shop downtown. Two graduates from the program were also present in this upstairs room, filled with board games, tables, and chairs. We were talking about myriad of things, and I looked at one of their hands and I saw a tattoo on the wrist. "GS IV CCCXLI," the tattoo read.

The Roman numerals made sense, but GS felt misplaced so I asked the significance or meaning of the tattoo. "The Gay Science, Book Four, Entry 341," they replied.

The Gay Science a book written by Friedrich Nietzsche, near the middle of his total bibliography. Somewhat unlike some other books, The Gay Science has the benefit of being a very personal book of his, and includes some of his poetry and more personal writings.

While the book talks about many things, and indeed includes the first written occurrence of his infamous quote God is dead, this fact is not the most important one of interest. Rather, the prize jewel of the book (in my opinion) is found in the tattoo entry on my friend's arm: book four, entry 341, known by some as The Greatest Weight (sometimes The Greatest Burden).

Before I comment on it, please take your time to read it slowly. Maybe twice, or more, if you're feeling up to it. But, be warned, the following text may be something that you never forget and may in-fact stick with you forever.

What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life you will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence — even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!”

Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: “You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.” If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are or perhaps crush you. The question is each and every thing, “Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?” would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight. Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

- The Gay Science

I've spent many hours in life just thinking, but if I had to pick a topic I've thought about most, it's probably this one. No topic in all of writing has ever compelled me to more thought or contemplation than this text. It has simply changed the way I think about... everything.

To summarize the message, Nietzsche asks you this:

Picture yourself in the loneliest lonely and darkest depression of your life. Then, imagine that your life, including every detail down to the finest piece (like you reading this blog), is going to live on repeat. Over and over. Every detail of your life, every heart break, every sad cry, every happy cry, literally everything in your life will repeat itself exactly the same as the time before. How do you respond?

Nietzsche posits two responses: anguish or delight?

Does the thought of reliving every single detail of your life, exactly as you have lived it, not only once, but again, and again, and again bring you anguish or delight?

I have spent a lot of my life feeling unhappy to various degrees. I do not retain many fond childhood memories. Even as an adult, there are existential woes and grievances that can be overwhelming. There are good moments, undoubtedly, but it's a very mixed bag with more than a fair share of sorrow in there.

The thought of living my life again sounds... unpleasant. There are days of my life I simply do not wish to revisit, let alone consider bearing the weight of those days again. The types of days your soul weighs 200 pounds, your heart is an anchor, and you're simply beside yourself for one reason or another. But, the segments that last multiple days, weeks, or months sound even harder.

One might be inclined to think that "I survived it, and I could survive it again," which is true, but that's not Nietzsche's question. Nietzsche's question actually is "Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?" This is only further reinforced again by his following sentence, "[H]ow well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?"

It's the craving here that always gets me. Craving, desiring, yearning to relive your life once again and innumerable times more.

I have yet to reach this point Nietzsche describes. I do not currently crave to repeat my life, but this is something I would like to crave.

Imagine the power of your life if you had the will to not only endure the things that come, but the will to crave them again. The will to accept the things fate has bound to you, good or bad.

So often I find myself fighting life, displeased with the way things are, desiring the way things could be, but never willing to live through them again. But what would my life look like if I could, or perhaps more than could, what if I did will my reality as my desire?

In my own worldview, I see two options: do or do not; there is what is, and there is what is not. What my life is before me today is simply what is. I cannot control it, it has been brought before me and now I must live with it. But we can choose to fight this, which may be as meaningful as fighting the wind, or we can learn to embrace and accept.

How much greater might we as individuals become if we can embrace our realities for what they are, instead of fighting in opposition against them. Willing them upon ourselves, accepting life on its terms and as it comes to us. This ideal is not easy, and, in truth, it may not even be possible, but who am I to say?

In my darkest of darkness and loneliest of lonelies, I can only hope that in time I will embrace life on its terms and accept the idea of an eternal recurrence. I imagine that if I did, I would find a greater freedom than I have ever known. It's the ultimate acceptance of life. If you can accept life on its worst terms with gladness, what more is there to fear? It's only the greatest weight until it isn't.