The Reality of Thoughts (On Fear)

One day, I would like to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I have addressed my existential dread." Do I think that that event is actually likely? No, I do not. At the same time, I dare to dream about it. I like to tell myself that if I continue working and processing, reminding myself of things that are true, and working through philosophical paradigms - as well as constructing them - that I will find for myself a path of personal freedom from the conscious mind's greatest burdens. Notably, burdens like anxiety, existential dread, irrational fear, and things of the like.

I think I recall when I read Thich Nhat Hanh's Heart of the Buddha (or was it an Alan Watts book?) that said, (paraphrased) "The idea of an enlightened person is like a reflection in water. A reflection may appear to disturb the water, but the water underneath is unchanged, so, too, is an enlightened person unbothered by fleeting emotions/passions." It's been a few years since I first encountered the idea, but it stuck with me.

What I liked about the imagery of the idea was that the conception of an enlightened person still included the possibility to show an impulse or hint of being bothered, but the person is rooted in such a way, that it is merely a mirage.

In the years I've thought about this idea, the real thrust of this persona was substantiated by the idea that someone became so truly in touch with the natural order of things, seeing the reality of what is, that they became immune to the temporary woes and troubles of today. In the grand scheme of things, it is what it is, and that thing is neither naturally good or bad. These are social constructs, but they are not based in an objective reality.

This enlightened person is a nice ideal to reflect on. This ideal does not reflect me (at all), but it portrays a framework that I aspire to. I am young, but maybe by the time I'm 80, I will be much closer to being unphased by things than I am now.

In the mean time, I practice. I practice working through my troubles and seeing them accurately, developing healthy practices for sorting through them, and moving closer to the goal.

There is a painful paradox of this experience, though. When one asks to be made patient, one must be made patient through long suffering. When one asks to be made strong, one must suffer through feeling weak. When one seeks to overcome fear, one must have fear to overcome.

Fear is such a powerful motivator, but what's interesting is, metaphysically, fear is not a real property of existence. Fear is something we create by the nature of our own intellect.

Fear stems from a misalignment of expectations and internal reality. We fear that which we do not know, because if we knew, we would no longer fear. Instead, we dance around the unknown, applying effort and will to shape our realities away from fear. We avoid situations, we attempt to control the controllables to contain the uncontrollables within a limit, or we just ignore the fear all together and hope it will fade away with the passing of time. There are more possibilities, too, but I think you may get my point.

Fear, for me, is a recurring pain. There are times I manage better than others, but there are also times my fear gets the better of me. It starts with one thought, and like garden weeds, it takes root and spreads. More fear grows, and what started as an isolated thought transforms into a full blown alternate reality that strikes fear into me, draining my energy and morale. The fear demands more of me, and more I give, and yet the fear asks for more. The fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of exposure or anything demands that I control factors abcdefg...xyz to ensure my horrific imagined reality does not come to exist. Even then, after it doesn't manifest, there is another fear in waiting; on and on it goes.

The Stoic philosopher Seneca once said, "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." Another way I've heard this phrased is, "Your thoughts are not the reality they claim to be."

It is easy to get lost in your imagination, as the branch of possibilities is seemingly infinite. If this... then that; if that, then this; on and on it goes.

But those thoughts are not reality. They are a mirage and construct of your imagination.

When I look back on my life and I think about all of the moments of life that have made me most anxious, I spent so much time focusing on what was the worst case scenario, but I don't really think those worst cases ever really came to be. Universally, things worked out just fine. I'm alive, I'm here, and I'm writing to you. What felt like the end of the world was... nothing. In fact, it was so much nothing, I couldn't even remember what many of those feelings were really about.

I've spent so much time lately being afraid. I've lived in imagined realities, fearful I'm not enough, not being enough, not giving enough, not doing enough. Fearful of critics. Fearful of imagined social confrontations or situations. These thoughts and fears are not the reality they claim to be.

There comes a time one must stop listening to one's self and begin talking to one's self. Acknowledge these thoughts and fears are not the reality they claim to be. Consistently. When they strike, I must remind myself, "This fear is not based in fact, but in fiction." And with time, the fears subside, and all is calm once again.

There are also times it is within my power to confront my fear. There are times I must ask others hard questions to find the hard truth. There are times I must discuss hard things with close friends. There are times that courage in the face of fear must show, so that I may overcome my fear, and be certain in the reality that is before me.

But this brings us to a hard reality: there are things in this life we cannot control, and these are things we must accept.

We cannot control other's opinions. We cannot control other's actions. We can control only ourselves. It is our duty, then, to accept the things we cannot change, that we might do what is within our power to live in agreement with them, or if possible, to do what is in our power to change them. I cannot tell you which.

_________________

I acknowledge that fear and anxiety are complex feelings. I do not diminish or understate the powerful physical, mental, or even spiritual affects they can have on one's self, and surely, some forms fall beyond the scope I've worked with today.

This is entry is an uncomfortably publicly shared reminder to myself to be like water: to remember that when these reflections of fear pass over, that they are temporary. I can be calm and present in the moment, free to accept, or respond and take charge as required. Until then, my anxious thoughts and fears are not reality; they are my imagination, and my imagination is not the reality it claims to be.